Normalising “No”: The Importance of Boundaries in Social Interactions

In a world that often glorifies busyness and over scheduled lives, the simple act of saying “no” can feel revolutionary. For many, particularly in social settings, declining an invitation or expressing a preference against participation can lead to feelings of guilt, anxiety, or fear of disappointing others. We tend to resort to making up excuses, fearing that openly expressing our true desires may lead to discomfort or strained relationships. However, it’s important to recognise that setting boundaries is a fundamental aspect of maintaining mental health and fostering genuine connections. By normalising the simple act of saying “I don’t want to,” we may promote a more authentic version of ourselves.

The Impact of People-Pleasing

Research consistently shows that the pressure to conform to social expectations can lead to psychological distress. Individuals who prioritise fitting in with social norms often experience heightened levels of anxiety (Leary et al., 1995). When we feel obligated to attend events we would rather skip, we prioritise others’ needs over our own, which can lead to resentment and burnout.

Moreover, when we engage in social compliance, we often suppress their true feelings to avoid conflict or disapproval. While this may seem harmless in the short term, it can lead to long-term emotional harm. The act of saying “no” when you genuinely don’t want to participate is not just an assertion of personal agency; it’s a necessary step for mental well-being, values adherence, and authenticity.

The Power of Assertiveness

Assertiveness, defined as the ability to express one’s feelings and needs openly, is essential for healthy communication. Assertive communication has been linked with higher self-esteem and lower levels of anxiety (Mace & Moss, 2022). By learning to assertively communicate our boundaries, we not only protect our own time and energy but also model healthy behaviour for those around us.

It is often that the fear of rejection can hinder personal and professional growth and development. When individuals can explicitly state their preferences, without fear of relationship rupture, they cultivate an environment where others feel empowered to do the same. This is essential in fostering authentic relationships built on mutual respect…but why can’t we do it?

The Irony of Connection

Interestingly, while we are busy suppressing our needs to maintain status quo, the opposite tends to be true: authenticity promotes deeper connections. A vast body of research underscores that vulnerability can be a bridge to stronger relationships. Brené Brown, a renowned researcher on vulnerability, explains that embracing imperfections and owning our choices—including the choice to say “no”—can create trust and rapport (Brown, 2010). It could be (at least in part) the inner judgements, criticisms, fears, and negative self talk we have toward ourselves that we project onto others, that stops us from expressing vulnerability.

When friends or family members understand your genuine perspective, they may reciprocate with their own vulnerabilities, which can deepen relational bonds. This promotes a cycle of healthy expression, where people feel more comfortable communicating their own boundaries, leading to more balanced relationships. However, even when people do react badly to your honesty or have their own judgements and preferences for polite white lies, it is suggestive of the inner work they may need to do around self-reflection and acceptance.

Encouraging a Cultural Shift

To move toward a culture where boundary-setting is normalised and accepted, we must practice and promote the following strategies:

Modelling Behaviour: When we visibly set our own boundaries, we send a message that it’s acceptable to do so. Sharing our own experiences of decline can make it safe for others to do so too.

Open Conversations: Creating spaces for dialogue about boundaries in social circumstances may help validate feelings and increase confidence. Discussion groups, therapy, or workshops on communication skills may foster this environment.

Reframing “No”: Helping people around us understand that saying “no” is not a rejection, but instead a personal choice, can be empowering. It shifts the narrative from guilt to self-care, and liberates us from taking on other people’s emotions as our own.

Conclusion

Saying “no” and expressing personal desires should not evoke guilt; rather, it should be celebrated as a gesture of self-respect and emotional well-being. By normalising the act of declining participation in activities for valid personal reasons, we lay the groundwork for healthier societal norms and more meaningful connections.

Embrace discomfort and the occasional “no” as essential parts of life’s interactions. After all, the more we understand and respect our own boundaries, the better we can respect those of others—and in doing so, cultivate a stronger, healthier relationships.

As we evolve in our thinking about social interactions, let’s carry this mantra forward: it’s okay to say “I don’t want to.” In fact, it’s necessary.